


Something

by Ram92



Series: Singing in the rain [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Gen, Inspired by Music, POV Allison Hargreeves, POV Ben Hargreeves, POV Diego Hargreeves, POV Klaus Hargreeves, POV Luther Hargreeves, POV Number Five | The Boy, POV Vanya Hargreeves, Sinners by Barns Courtney, song-fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:00:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24928078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ram92/pseuds/Ram92
Summary: Everybody thinks they are worth nothing, from time to time. Even the Hargreeves. Especially the Hargreeves.But everyone must be good for something.Inspired by the song 'Sinners' by Barns Courtney.
Relationships: The Hargreeves Family
Series: Singing in the rain [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2106357
Kudos: 10





	Something

  
  


_Fortune, fortune, smiling fate_

_I haven't seen you much of late_

_Need you now and cannot wait_

_But when I look, you're not around_

I was the only one left, and now I’m not anymore. Not with this body. Some days I wake up in the morning and wonder if Dad made the right decision. Some days I wake up in the morning and I’d rather be dead.

I haven’t been assigned a mission in weeks. I’m useless. Dad doesn’t even look at me anymore. He has his dinner alone in his studio, I have mine in the kitchen. Alone.

I read that she’s having a baby. I read about her wedding in a magazine I bought in secret and lies hidden under the mattress of my bed. We have never talked about it. As if it had never happened. We never talk of any of them. I bet they never talk about me either. I bet she doesn’t.

She left her necklace behind. 

The one she said she would never take off.

Well, I guess we were just kids, back then. Kid's promises are just another game. But it never was a game for me. None of that. Not the Academy, nor Allison. That was supposed to be my life.

But now they’re all gone, Dad gives me no more missions, and she is having a baby.

Some days I wake up in the morning and wonder if Dad made the right decision. Some days I wake up in the morning and I’d rather be dead.

_Nevermind in what we do_

_The night's still good for a gram or two_

_I'll be drinking late with you_

_Until the morning comes around_

He keeps dreaming of them.

He wakes up screaming in the middle of the night and rushes to find some pills or drugs he must have left lying around somewhere. I watch him reaching for something slipped under the couch and then put it in his mouth, I watch him tear old plushies with acids hidden in their stuffed bellies. And I can do nothing to help him. I’m not even sure if he sees me, sometimes. I’m not really sure about what he sees. Or if he wants me there.

I see him curling in the corners of public bathrooms, hands on his ears, screaming that he wants them to leave him alone. Us. The ghosts.

Because I am one of them, now. I am dead. And all I could do was come back to haunt my brother. As if I didn’t know how much it scares him. As if I hadn’t spent almost all my life getting up at night to help him keep the spirits at bay. Only to die and become one of them.

Most of the time I don’t know if he doesn’t see me or he’s just ignoring me, as he does with the others. I don’t blame him. I really don’t. He’s going down, but he’s trying his best. And I’m not helping.

I’m sorry, Klaus. I really didn’t sign up for this. It’s not my choice, it never was. I’m just stuck here, and I don’t know why. All I can do is being here, sitting by your side, and hope that one day you will raise your eyes on me and I’ll be able to help. All I can do is sitting here, watching you collapse once again, and hope that you’ll make it to the morning one more time.

_Yeah, I must be good for something_

All my life has always been a lie, and I have always known it.

The other actresses waiting in the corridor always glanced at me knowing that the place was taken the minute I walked in. I never had to wait with them to come in. I never had to wait for an answer. I only had to make a wish.

I wasn’t even good at that.

Almost everything I wished for came back to bite me, sooner or later.

But this, I really thought that this could last, at least a little bit longer. I still love her. I love my daughter. He cannot take her away from me. She’s the only thing that I made all by myself, the only achievement I can really call mine. The only one I’ll never regret, no matter how much she screams at night. I’ll always love her.

It would be so easy to shut his mouth. He has taken precautions, but deep down I know he loves me. Because I told him to. It would be so easy to tell him to stop all of this, the lawyers, the official charges against me. But deep down I begin to think that he might be right. That I would just end up hurting her. That I am not a good mother. That I need someone to stop me before I make a wish I cannot take back and ruin her life.

For the first time in my life I’m really trying, I’m trying so hard, and I can’t seem to be good at anything. Without my power, I’m nothing.

_Down and out, and out of luck_

_We're spinning, but the needle's stuck_

_Let's go have some fun before_

_They put us in the ground_

We keep moving around this desert that used to be the world, but the truth is that there’s nothing left. No one. It’s just me. The only human being in any direction for miles and miles. The only human being alive.

I keep roaming, dragging this cart behind me, and some days I feel too tired to keep going. All I’m carrying is some food and a mannequin. Dolores. Some days I realize that I’m so lonely that I am talking to a mannequin. Some days I realize that I miss them. Some days I realize that it’s all my fault. That I should have been there. That I could have helped. Maybe I still can. If only I could jump back. If only I was good enough. If only I had listened to Dad. He could have taught me how to do it, at the right time.

But everything’s gone, now. They’re all dead and I can’t turn back time. I can’t.

All I can do is jumping around in this wasteland of a planet where there’s nothing to run from, nothing to run to, nothing to run for.

Wherever we go, the scenery doesn’t change. Hills, valleys or canyons, everything is burned to the ground. The wind sings among the ruins. Once I reached the ocean. I don’t even know which one. I've been staring at it for one entire day, then turned my back and resumed my endless walk among the rubble. 

_Lions sit in solemn lines_

_Drinking gin and dropping limes_

_Wasting beats of this heart of mine_

_Until the morning comes around_

I order for another drink. My body’s a temple, but tonight I just don’t care.

My body’s a temple, but I have no use for it. Because I ruin everything I touch, I just can’t seem to be able to keep in line. They kicked me out of the Academy. A grin comes to my lips. The Police Academy, of course, even though I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t have lasted too long in the other one either. It was my decision to leave, sure, but how long before Luther would have had enough? How long before Dad would have decided that I was a nuisance to his little project, some sort of liability dragging the group down?

He named me Number Two. Number Two is all I am. Not good enough.

Not good enough to be Number One, not good enough to be a cop, not even good enough for her.

I bring the glass to my lips, but it’s empty again.

I don’t know what I’m gonna do now. Going back home it’s not an option and I have no friends’ couch to crash at.

I don’t know what I’m gonna do now.

I leave some notes on the counter and I stagger into the night.

Sirens in the background, crime lurking in the dark, but that’s none of my business now. I’m not a superhero anymore, and I’ve just made sure I’ll never be a cop either.

I’m just Number Two. Not good enough. And I don’t know where to go.

_Yeah, I must be good for something_

Another rejection.

I leave the letter lying on the little table by the door. Bills keep piling up next to it, and I’m about to run out of money. Again. This is not just bad luck. Two years stuck at third chair, and nobody is buying my book anymore. All the appeal of getting to know more about The Umbrella Academy’s most hidden secret must have run out the minute the readers had actually realized that the book was just about me. Not some mysterious hidden character with a troubled back story, but just an ordinary girl who happened to be mistaken for someone else.

I need to give private lessons again. I need the money. It doesn’t matter how much I hate it. I’m such a terrible teacher. I hate little children when they begin to make it right. I hate the enthusiasm that sparks from their eyes, and I hate even more their parents. Some of them ask me to stay and sit in the corner, just to explode in a little round of applause whenever their marvel happens to hit the right tone. And I can’t stand it. I’m a terrible person.

I really don’t know what I was expecting. If I had the honesty to dig deep down enough, I always knew that I didn’t have a chance. I knew that I was not good enough. And still, it hurts.

Because sometimes I happen to think that I would deserve this. That I was never a hero, that I had no real reason to be in the Academy, that I didn’t have any power and I couldn’t take part in their missions without dragging the others down, that I never could be part of the team. But this, this I thought I could have it.

My eyes go back to the violin once again, and my fingers begin to itch. Before I know what I’m doing, I find myself holding it. I find myself playing, the music easing my mind, washing down my body and leaking inside me from every wound, from every sore memory, from every broken dream. And it hurts. It hurts to know that even this, _even this_ , even this is not good enough.

_Oh sinners come down,_

_Come gather 'round_

_Oh sinners come down, yeah_

_Dancing on cold feet_

_Marching on cobble streets_

_Oh sinners come down, yeah_

The lights blur the lines, the lights keep flashing before my eyes, everybody is moving and the music is so loud that it covers all the screams, even mine.

I don’t know where I am, I don’t know who is holding me, but it feels warm and that’s good enough for me. I don’t ask for much, after all. I just need them to breathe. I just need them to be with me when the darkness comes. I just don’t wanna be alone, with them.

My ghosts. All of them.

All the people my siblings have killed, throwing them out of the windows or simply arriving too late to save them. All the spirits clinging to their gravestones and looking for help I cannot give them. Because I can’t help them. They’re dead, and there’s nothing I can do. And I’m sorry. But I can’t. I barely made it out alive myself. I barely make it to the next morning every day. How can I possibly help you? How can I possibly help you, Ben?

We both know you are there, waiting for me to do the right thing, to stop all this madness and… and what? I don’t even know what the right thing sounds like.

I don’t know how to help you, Ben. I never had any idea of how I could help any of you. I have always been useless. This power of mine, I just don’t want it. I just wasn’t cut to be a hero.

_Yeah, I must be good for something_

When the light of a new day comes and illuminates the white craters and nooks, I look down on planet Earth, and I know there’s a reason to keep living. I’m alone, yes, but now I’ve got a mission. I’m protecting them all. Even your baby, Allison. I don’t even know if it’s a boy or a girl, and maybe I never will. In my dreams in this eternal night, it's a little girl, and she has your face. A face I will never get to see. But she’s safe. I’ll make sure of it. 

_Yeah, I must be good for something_

I know what I’m gonna do. Al has given me a job and a place to stay, but that’s not it. 

The crime lurking about this city is still my business. And if I can’t fight it within the police nor with under the direct orders of my beloved brother, I still can do it on my own. Following my own rules.

I could never stand being ordered around. Now it’s my chance to do something I’m good at.

_Yeah, I must be good for something_

I am Allison Hargreeves. I have always obtained everything I wanted. I survived all the crazy missions Dad put us through as children, and I have no control over the people clapping for me in theatres. They all love me for what I am, not because I told them to. They want to see me because I am Allison Hargreeves and I am good at what I do. 

I will make it. I will endure whatever it is I have to endure. Whatever they ask me, whatever it takes. I will attend all the meetings regularly. I will never use my power again. I will be a good mother. I will learn how. Just wait for me a little longer, Claire, Mom is on her way. And I will never lose you again.

_Yeah, I must be good for something_

They’re all coming back. And they scream and they ask for vengeance. Shivers run down my spine, and cold sweat damps my sheets at night. But now I’ve got a reason to make it. I will find you, Dave. I’m looking at them all eye to eye for the first time in my life, just to find you. 

All my life I’ve hated this, and now, look at me, rolling endlessly at night and just thanking my good star because I’ve been given the chance to see you again. I just need to resist a little bit longer. I just need to be brave. Like you taught me to. I will find you, Dave. Just wait for me a little bit longer. I will find you.

_Yeah, I must be good for something_

The vortex expands from my wrists and opens a portal. 

Behind it, my idiotic siblings are staring at me, the same old dumb expression on their faces telling me that they don’t have a clue about what’s going on before their eyes. Oh, I missed it so much.

I take a step and the timestream resists me. It resents me, it doesn’t want me there. It doesn’t matter. I’m gonna tame it, whatever it takes. I’m gonna save them.

My skin burns out and every bone seems to get crushed inside my body. My brain hurts as if my skull had shrunk and my all head is about to pop like a popcorn. But it doesn’t matter. Because I’ve made it. I found the right equation. I cracked the puzzle. And now I’m ready for the big jump. I’m finally coming home, guys. And I will save you, this time.

_Yeah, I must be good for something_

I’m back. Well, sort of. Klaus made it. Once, okay, but he made it.

And now that the roof of the Academy is coming crashing on them, I just know what to do. My hands grab Diego without even give me the time to realize what’s going on. He doesn’t see me, but I felt him, I felt the texture of his shirt against my skin, I felt his warmth. And I _saved_ him. I am not useless anymore, I can help you guys. You still don’t believe it, okay, I get it, but we’ll work it out. Me and Klaus. We’re back together. We’re all back. And this time I’ll make my best to have your back. This time I do sign up for it, whatever it is. We’ll fight it together.

_Yeah, I must be good for something_

I open my eyes and I feel it.

The vibrations flow through my body and in the air around me. I stand on the stage, first chair, my face and my name on the poster outside. Everyone in the stalls is waiting for me to begin, to listen to my music. I bow and hold my violin on my shoulder and for the first time in my life I know that I can make it, that I can make anything.

The music comes washing down every shroud of doubt left, and I begin to feel lighter and lighter, a warm feeling growing inside me and shining through my eyelids.

When I open my eyes the world is dark and quiet, listening to my music. That when I see her. She’s walking down the aisle, she’s alive and she’s smiling. She’s come here for me. She’s listening. She’s crying and I know that it’s because she finally sees it. She finally sees who I truly am. And she loves me. They all will. 

I knew I deserved this. I knew there was something for me too. I knew it.

_Yeah, I must be good for something_

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song 'Sinners' by Barns Courtney and by this video: https://youtu.be/WwQG_GYMP5s


End file.
